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7 Secrets We Think Hillary Clinton Would Tell Us if She Were Drunk in Key West

By November 21, 2018Uncategorized

We keep hearing bits and pieces of Hillary Clinton here and there in the news. Even after her crushing defeat for president in 2016, she still has a bone to pick with the elections. We think she just needs a good vacation, and what better place to do that than in Key West! While she is relaxing with us on the beach, throwing back a few coolers, here is what we think she would divulge if she were to get a little tipsy.

1. She has a fishy past.

Hillary might be tempted to spill that her past was anything but clean. Besides her email scandal, fewer people are aware that she used to work in a Salmon cannery in Alaska while she was in college. However, she was actually fired within a week of working there – maybe she leaked the cannery’s secrets in an email? We’re sure a few whiskey sours could help us get to the truth

2. She likes it hot!

Not Bill and Monica hot – more like Cholula and Tabasco hot! Hillary Clinton may admit while under the influence that she carries a little vial of her own hot sauce with her wherever she goes to season her food. This little quirk is a little too weird to keep to herself.

3. She wanted to be Commander and Cheif, but she can’t drive a car.

We might find out when Hillary throws a few back that she doesn’t know how to drive a car, at least not anymore. Hillary has a little-known secret that she hasn’t actually driven on her own in nearly 20 years. She is usually chauffeured wherever she goes. It can be hard to admit that you are a rich kid, but it’s even worse to admit that you don’t remember how to steer a vehicle!

4. She owns a ton of pairs of Egyptian shoes.

Why would Hillary want to keep this a secret? When on a trip to Egypt as Secretary of State, protestors shouted “Monica! Monica! Monica!” as she drove by in her motorcade. The Egyptian protestors then threw several pairs of shoes as she passed. It’s too bad she was blamed for Monica, but you can’t beat a free pair of Egyptian shoes!

5. She knows how to spot a rat!

It’s a secret she keeps pretty well under wraps, but Hillary Clinton knows how to choke money out of a rat. Her first case as a lawyer was a multi-million dollar compensation settlement for a man that found a rat in a can of beans he bought from the store.

6. She whacked off Sam Walton.

Hillary worked as an attorney on Walmart’s legal counsel team and worked directly with Sam Walton. She quit, however, the same year Sam died. With a few brewskies in her belly, she may reveal this was more than just a coincidence.

7. She has an imaginary best friend.

On several occasions, Hillary has been seen talking to herself. She usually claims that she is practicing speeches or organizing her thoughts on different policies, but we think she would tell us the truth if she were at a kegger with us: she’s actually talking to an imaginary friend. There really isn’t a better explanation.

Hungover Hillary

After that much alcohol, we are also sure Hillary would be hungover with an extreme case of the brown-bottled flu the next morning. At Hangover Hospital, we would be able to administer an IV hydration therapy that would get her back on her feet in less than an hour, and we can do the same for you. We get rid of hangover symptoms fast, so the next time you tell all your secrets when you are partying in Key West, make sure to call us. We will come to you, no matter where you are on the island.