Everyone has a few secrets and skeletons in the closet that we probably don’t want out, even and especially our beloved Hollywood stars. Yesterday, allegations were raised regarding Sylvester Stallone, our iconic boxing hero and overall American badass, that he had sexually assaulted a woman. Stallone’s allegation has recently come to light due to the recent wave of people coming forward about sexual assault allegations, so while it isn’t too surprising given all the Hollywood sex scandals recently, Sylvester Stallone’s allegation is unique. There has only been one allegation, the girl was 16 at the time, and it apparently happened over 31 years ago, in 1986.
We don’t know for sure if this is a secret Sylvester is really trying to keep from us or not, but we are sure he has some other secrets he isn’t telling us. See what we think Sylvester Stallone might be willing to tell us if he were kicking it with us at a kegger in Key West.
Secret #1:He was born … in a bad way.
Sylvester Stallone is well-known for his tough-looking face and demeanor, making him a good fit for roles like Rocky and Barney Ross. What he hasn’t told us is that he only looks that way because his doctors screwed up while they were delivering him. While using forceps to deliver little Rocky, nevers in his face and eyes were permanently damaged. Sure, this secret isn’t his fault, but crying like a baby after a hitting a few bars we’re sure would be cathartic for the rough and tumble Hollywood star.
Secret #2: He has delusions of grandeur.
Sure, Stallone has played in a few roles we all remember and appreciate him for, but a few shots would reveal that it isn’t enough for him. Sylvester Stallone has always been interested in superheroes and probably thinks he is one since his role in Judge Dredd. Haven’t heard of it? That’s why his grandeur is only a delusion.
Secret #3: He has a soft touch.
Stallone isn’t really known for being tender, in part because his movies don’t really portray him in that light. He may have a softer touch than most people realize, however. When he was just starting out, Sylvester worked as a hairdresser and stylist. Sure, he looks tough on the outside, but inside he’s just a big teddy bear who loves braiding hair. There’s no shame in it, Sylvester. Have another beer and tell us all about it.
Secret #4: He’s dealt with a lot of shit throughout his life.
Aside from the fact that doctors paralyzed his face since he was an infant, that he is being accused of a sex allegation, and that we are writing all of this crap about him, Sylvester Stallone has literally dealt with a lot of shit in his life. As another job when he was young, Sylvester cleaned out lion cages at the Central Park Zoo. Maybe the lions engendered him to become the fighter he is known as today.
Too Much Drinking?
No doubt about it, Sylvester Stallone has had kind of a crappy life, and swallowing it up in a night of imbibing would be a great release. The hangover would suck, though, as they always do. The great news is that if you are hungover in Key West, Hangover Hospital can take care of you. We alleviate your hangover symptoms in less than an hour, so if you feel like you were knocked out by Rocky, call us and we will come to you.