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7 Secrets Donald Trump Would Spill If He Were Sloshed

By November 21, 2018Drunk Celebrity Secrets

It’s no secret that Donald Trump is quite the controversial president. All throughout his candidacy and since his inauguration, he has been the center of public attention, the brunt of a lot of jokes, and media feeding frenzy. With so much floating around about Trump, it makes you wonder what is true and what is simply “alternative fact”. We are sure that we would be able to get the truth out of Trump if he came down to the Keys on one of his trips to Florida, however. After a little night of boozing, we think we might get him to divulge these secrets about his life.

1. He takes inspiration from Saudi Arabian arms dealers.

After a shot of Trump’s own Super Premium vodka, he might admit that he holds gun dealers from Saudi Arabia in high esteem. How do we know this? SPY Magazine once send out checks of only $0.13 to some of the world’s richest people to see who would cash them. There were only two people who did: Adnan Khashoggi, a Saudi Arabian arms dealer, and none other than Donny J.. We guess there are worse role models.

2. His wife humiliates him.

Melania, the first lady, has been an example of class in the white house during Trump’s first year in office, but a little alcohol may tell us that Trump is actually embarrassed by her. How do we figure? Melania is the one who cuts Trump’s hair. With a mop like than on top of his head, we know he would admit that his wife has made him the brunt of a lot of jokes. (Still don’t believe his hair is real? Check out this clip of Donald Trump with Jimmy Fallon.)

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3. He doesn’t even like Republicans.

It’s a hard thing to admit, but a sixer would help Trump spill that he doesn’t like his own party. For years, Trump was registered as a Democrat and only recently changed parties. This might explain why he is having trouble with the wall and repealing Obamacare.

4. He hates charities

You really have to be three sheets to the wind to admit that you hate giving to charities, but it could be cathartic to let it out. Trump, over 20 years, gave 3.2 million dollars away to his own charity, an amount that was far surpassed by the WWE when they gave more than that amount to Trump’s charity in a single year.

5. He believes in liberty and justice for all.

Trump often gets backed into a corner when people accuse him of the several bankruptcies his failed businesses have had to declare, which is enough to cause anyone to drink. However, after a Key West kegger, we would soon find out Trump actually believes in justice for more than just bankruptcy lawsuits. Donald Trump has been involved in more than 3,500 lawsuits involving tax disputes, defamation, fraud, and even sexual harassment. With that much experience in the justice system, he was probably more well-suited for politics than people gave him credit for.

6. He doesn’t know how to read.

With some hooch in his system, Trump may also reveal that he doesn’t know how to read. After an in-depth analysis of Trump’s history, there is speculation that Trump may not be literate, despite how many books he has authored or how many memos have passed his desk. It’s okay not to be able to read, though. Most people can’t after getting tossed in Key West, anyway.

7. He and Vlad are besties.

Russian collusion or not, Trump would probably drunk tweet to the world that he and Putin are best friends. A lot of people think there is something going on between them, including top CNN analysts, even if it just for business.

Hungover in Key West

That would be a lot of booze and quite a few secrets. No doubt, Trump would have a hangover in the morning, but that isn’t news to us. We see people hungover in Key West all the time. If you find yourself on vacation or partying in Key West, don’t let a hangover ruin your good time. Call us at Hangover Hospital and we’ll come to you to relieve your hangover in less than an hour. That’s a value that even Trump couldn’t pass up!